Creating a Healing Ritual for Couples after Birth Trauma

Birth trauma can have far reaching and often unexpected effects. Often the relationship between the parents of the baby can flail, not only due to the new pressures of caring for a child, but the myriad of feelings towards each other that may ensue after a traumatic labour and birth.

When a woman feels that the birth and her care were out of her control, often she may feel resentful that her partner did not fight to regain that control for her. She may feel like she was unheard, or her partner could never experience the depths of what she has been through. Or she may feel abandoned with the new baby when the partner returns to work.

“I felt like my husband stood by and held my hand whilst I was abused. He went back to work only a couple of days after my baby was born. I was left with a helpless little baby to look after when honestly, I was helpless myself. Not only could I hardly move from the pain of surgery, but the effects of the birth on my mental health were so debilitating. I felt so abandoned,” says Edwina*, who is recovering from birth trauma.

On the other side, partners may feel like they’ve lost something in the process of birth too. They may feel disempowered, uninvolved or pushed to the bottom of the priority list.

“I was really misinformed [about childbirth]; we both were. I didn’t know I could tell them to stop interventions or listen to my wife. I’ve said I’m sorry to her, I don’t know what else I can do. Sometimes I feel like she doesn’t love me as much,” says Craig*, Edwina’s wife.

When these things occur, it is normal and natural that the trust between the two is tested. In many, many cases, some level of trust will be lost and resentment can take its place. What may have been expected to be a time of strength as a couple may be the time that the relationship is most vulnerable.

Left unheeded, these feelings may grow, and the relationship can quickly reach a point of crisis. The birth and the effect on the relationship need to be addressed.

A healing ceremony or ritual can aid reparation and reconciliation between the couple. However, it needs to happen at a time where trust has begun to be rebuilt, and neither party feels so vulnerable that the ritual itself creates undue stress. It is better for it to happen when the couple feels somewhat connected, not after a hard day of work or parenting, after a fight or when the focus is elsewhere. The ceremony can help shift the focus of the partnership from resentment or rift to a gentler sense of togetherness.

Ideally, it would happen at a time when a trusted significant other in the baby’s life can take him or her for a little while so the parents have the time and space to give some healing focus to their own relationship and selves.

Ritual and ceremony can be used to consolidate the work already done and bring to awareness of the feelings that healing brings. It can also inspire and provoke a closeness that may be lacking in the partnership, and also, give a time to celebrate each other and the healing process, to reflect and be present with each other.
All rituals will be different; to get the most out of a healing ceremony it should be created by both participants. In this way, both individuals feel a sense of ownership and comfort, as well as significance, with what follows. This helps evoke a sense of responsibility to each other and the relationship itself.

What follows are some basic guidelines and ideas for carrying out a healing ceremony for couples. A sense of playfulness, creativity and the right intention are the most important components.

Prepare your space carefully, bring together all items beforehand. Light a candle or incense and play some quiet, calming music. Make the space special- get rid of any clutter, make lighting soft, bring items to the room that have a special energy for the two of you. Creating your space is an excellent mental and physical preparation for the ceremony to follow.

Create limits for the ritual before it begins. These may include items such as:
• All talk must be respectful, considered and honest;
• Touching is nurturing and/or not to lead to sex;
• If either party feels threatened or unsafe, the ritual will be postponed or cancelled.
These limits, or guidelines, will be individual to each couple, mutually agreeable and need to be addressed before the beginning of the ritual. This allows both partners, especially the woman, feel in a safe, protected place after birth trauma.

Further to this, both people can state their commitment and intention to the healing process, and the healing ceremony. A simple statement such as: “I enter this ritual with healing and love for you, and myself, and commit to this ceremony and our wider relationship to foster healing and growth. Thank you for sharing this with me.” Each individual may speak off the cuff, from their heart, or perhaps prepare a few words or read a prayer or poem that is meaningful to them. What is important is that the couple shares a promise to each other, and values each other in words and actions.

A meditation can help focus the healing of the birthing woman or the couple on a more subconscious level. The effects of meditation are many. Research has shown that meditation can not only stabilise stress reactions, but can reverse some of the negative psychological consequences caused by stressors such as birth trauma.(i)

Recommended meditations for couples include “Joy and Inner Peace for Couples”, which may be found in the book/CD set “Joy and Inner Peace for New Mothers” by Danette Watson and Stephanie Corkhill Hyles. This meditation is written to allow couples the time to nurture each other and their relationship, and creating healthy and happy selves and families. It is truly beautiful! (ii)

Alternatively, the man (or non birthing woman) can read a meditation to the woman to help in her healing process. A good meditation for this is “Healing the Temple Door”, which can be found at http://www.yoni.com/healerf/templedoor.shtml This meditation is written for those who have experienced sexual assault, but due to the nature of birth trauma, lends itself well to women post-birth as well. It is a reverential journey to a temple, surrounded by powerful priestesses and full of healing images. (iii)

Each individual may apologise for any harm they have caused, (whether it be intended or, far more often, unintended) during the event of birth or thereafter. These may be considered and written out beforehand, or spoken straight from the heart. The apology can be discussed later, whether it addresses the hurt felt by the individual or not. It is a starting point, not a final acceptance to move on. Such apologies, whether they be adequate or not, should be accepted as a good intention, and thank the person from which they came.

Alternatively, each partner may feel like they wish to make a statement about what they would like to see happen in the relationship, or how the relationship would feel and look to them when healing has occurred.

Art has often been seen as a great healer. Natalie Rogers, daughter of noted person-centred therapist Carl Rogers and an eminent therapist herself, says of art therapy: “Art is a language. With expressive art, we are concerned as much about the process as we are about the product... The intent...is to peel away the layers of defence and find our true nature. Art allows us to go into our pain, rage, and grief. Using art sometimes is much more effective than words to deal with some of these very difficult emotions.” (iv)

Incorporating art into your healing ceremony is often a powerful tool, and can create a tangible reminder of your journey to healing as a couple. Find a medium that suits you both and you both feel comfortable with; whether it be photography, paints, drawings, sculpture... You may wish to create a work together, or individually. Your topic may be healing itself, or honouring each other in art, the choice is yours.

A great way to do this is using face and body paints. This not only ties in the physical aspect of birth trauma and relationships, but can be focused on the heart centre, or other areas that feel need to healed after birth trauma, such as the now-empty belly, or a caesarean scar. Each member of the couple can spend time painting their loved ones body reverentially and with care. It doesn’t matter how skilful you are or what it is that is painted- if you are stuck, simply colours that are healing to you in swirls or hearts is a good place to start. Being physically painted can feel sacred and luxurious, and photographs can be taken as a physical reminder if so desired.

If birth trauma has caused a sexual rift in the partnership (which is often the case), an honouring of each other’s sexuality may be appropriate. Remember, it is vitally important both partners, especially the birthing woman, feel comfortable with this.

This may be as simple as a verbal acknowledgement of the power and joy in each other’s sexuality; or lavishing attention on each other in turn with a massage or bath, with the intention of moving the negative energy that has built up between the couple.

If it suits the couple, a tantric style ceremony where one partner honours the other’s yoni (vagina) or lingam (penis) by sprinkling offerings of water and flowers (symbolising water and ether respectively), “painting” clay (earth) onto the genitals, and lighting incense (air) and a candle (fire) near the couple, whilst making a statement such as “I honour the sacredness of your yoni”, or “I see the Goddess within you.”
Once again, it is not the actual happenings that matter most, but the intention behind them.(v)

End the ritual by washing each other in a warm bath or shower, symbolic of washing away the hurt, anger and resentment of the birth trauma. Feel any negative feelings drain away from your body, feeling cleansed and refreshed. Finish with a long cuddle and thank you to each other.

One way to have a tangible reminder of the healing that is happening is to simply tie a thread around each other’s wrist. This can remind the couple of their intention of healing throughout the day, and momentarily bring their consciousness back to healing and repairing both themselves and their relationship. Additionally, the colour of the thread can symbolise a more specific need in the relationship; for example, a blue thread to aid communication (from the throat chakra), a purple thread for unity (from the crown chakra) or orange to help repair sexuality (from the sacral chakra).

It is important to note that such a ritual is unlikely to heal all issues that may have arisen as a couple as a result of birth trauma. Seeking counselling as a couple, continuing to be honest and open with each other in regards to feelings, and taking responsibility for healing, both as individuals, and as partners may assist the couple repair damage to the relationship.

*Names have been changed

i. Wachholtz Amy B., and Pargament Kenneth I. "Is spirituality a critical ingredient of meditation? Comparing the effects of spiritual meditation, secular meditation, and relaxation on spiritual, psychological, cardiac, and pain outcomes." Journal of Behavioural Medicine 28.4 (August 2005): 369(16).

ii. Watson, W. And Corkhill Hyles, S. (2006) 25 Ways to Joy and Inner Peace for New Mothers Watson and Corkhill Hyles, Young

iii. Fraser, J. (2004) Dealing With Traumatic Birth Accessing Artemis, Sydney

iv. Sommers-Flanagan, John. "The development and evolution of person-centered expressive art therapy: a conversation with Natalie Rogers." Journal of Counseling and Development 85.1 (Wntr 2007): 120(6).

v. Copeland, P and Link, A. (2007) 28 Days to Ecstasy for Couples: Tantra Step by Step Llewellyn Publications, Minnesota

Samantha Cambray is the owner of Birth Healing, a forum  community for support, healing, growth and action after birth trauma